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Jun. 16th, 2016

form follows function

seems like i have entered a strange state of total indecision
typically when i am unable to decide something, it usually means the end result doesn't matter much
(rereading the previous two sentences oddly invokes a feeling of déjà vu)
maybe that is the case this time as well, but for whatever reason it feels like it does
i'm not even sure why i'm writing this entry
(wow, even that i've written here countless times)
i think i just want to feel like something has been completed, like i have achieved something
something i can remember and look back on one day thinking, "yep, that totally happened"
or maybe it is much simpler
maybe i am feeling alone
i am home alone, but that isn't it either
nope, i can't place it
to my knowledge i have felt like this for the past two or three days, but it could go back farther than that; it was only then that i first became aware of the notion

i digress, perhaps it would be better for me to to actually attempt to describe the inexplicable
it is as if i am traveling mentally in several directions at once, yet physically only a single one
what i cannot decide, i cannot conclude
it is a motive, or perhaps an inspiration
both of which i can deduce no shortage of
if fact maybe the problem here is an overload rather, or an indifference to options
moving forward without looking over my shoulder would be a good start, but such conviction has long been lost to me
is it the fear of regret or the futility of forecasting the future?
either way, it can cut it out whenever it wants

Nov. 23rd, 2015

naught is aught

many things have come to pass
some concoctions long in the making, other occurrences haphazardly stippling themselves into the specks of my so-called life
i have failed to record any of this acutely, an under-sight i am likely to abhor in my later years
right now it seems silly;
the idea of my aged shell rereading infantile musings i ignorantly scribbled on to the internet in some sort of nostalgic reprieve
forever a child, in both form and function
yet, i yearn; i yearn to expel
after all, existence feels futile without some sort of affirmation
perhaps the clandestine consignment of my cognitive collapse is ultimately therapeutic in some unfathomable way
perhaps, but i highly doubt it

Jun. 3rd, 2015

it is time to start talking to the computer again

i haven't been able to shake this feeling of depression for several weeks now
not sure what is causing it
recently, there has been an addition of stress concerning graduation, but for once i don't think school is the issue
i'm sure it is what set the whole thing off, but now the problem has evolved into a different animal
boy, she is a feisty one

had to print a copy of my resume and cover letter by the end of class today
the resume i was happy with, but the cover letter only had a few sentences on it
considering i only had roughly two hours to do this, and that we're still going to revise them further, maybe what i handed in wasn't so bad
it hurts me
writing on the fly
right there on the spot
nowhere near spot on
not only that, but talking about yourself
what a joke that is
if there is no room for negativity, then there is no room for honesty
which poses the question, what is the purpose of a cover letter?
who wants to read what some doofus wrote, trying to bolster his own image?
every single letter is going to be a lie
a lie that you single-handedly wrote and signed at the bottom with your full name
i can't stand it
i can't play their game
whoever the inventive genius is who concocted this entire "cover letter" premise, should be slapped
i move that i should be the one to slap them
a resume is bad enough; silly sheet filled with gross inaccuracies and faked references, but a formal letter stapled to it, giving an introduction to the tradition of lies and deceit that will serve as a blueprint for all of our relations, is far too much
i simply cannot get behind this, but i at least must fake it
lying is bad, but printing out your lies and signing your damn name on them?
c'mon, guys

i think i am going to need some time off
a little recluse from the abuse
so tired of waiting
let's get the show on the road

Feb. 26th, 2015

vehicular transport

really not sure about this
loosing a bit of sleep over it tonight
a part of me just wants to get the whole thing over with
yet, haste makes waste
or so they say
then again, im no expert with these things
sort of wish the entire decision wasn't left up to me
in the past, ive always gone with my gut, usually with mixed results
who knows what i should do now?
future me would know

then there is this, this that likely sounds insane
i think i saw my first love riding a bicycle down the road today
we were on atlantic avenue and she was traveling south through an intersection
im almost certain it was her, then again i could be wrong
its been a couple years since ive actually seen her
maybe it was just some random blonde girl, but i dont think so
what is even more strange, is that for the past week or so ive been having dreams about her
nothing vulgar, and there were lots of other people in them too i suppose
not sure what to make of this either; perhaps it doesn't mean anything
any way i look at it, she is definitely on my mind lately for some reason

Dec. 1st, 2014

(no subject)

here it is
let it stand
reap the spoil of the land
something gold and misgiving
something lost without living
the true tarot of treason
the verse lost with the season

Oct. 17th, 2014

but time flows like a river... and history repeats...

blur out the matrix of dots
our time is up, we're caught
there is no use fighting laughs
rally the dogs and just attack

Oct. 1st, 2014

brain refrain

actually got in a full days work in today, too bad i spent the last 2-3 hours of it treading water
decent progress, i guess
figured out the hallway roof and thought i was on a roll, so i tried to carry over the idea into the little bit of hallway before the elevator
it didn't work out so well
the hallway is sort of tapered at the end and i can't decide if its a good idea or not
im pretty sure it definitely looks better that way, but it is sort of causing problems
i narrowed it for aesthetics when i was laying out the whitebox, but it seems like it will work out better to just make it a flat wall
at least i thought it would
spent 2-3 hours trying to make it work
in the end, it winds up looking imbalanced when carrying the wall detail around onto it
at the last second, i found something which may work, i've just been looking at it too long to tell
if i add a fifth hallway support just before the elevator wall, right up against it, it doesn't seem like i really need to carry the same wall detail around onto the elevator wall
right now im thinking, maybe add a window to the elevator wall, but then the other window kind of needs to be the same shape and it doesn't make too much sense, as you would probably be able to see the elevator shaft through the window

argh, what crap
i need another whole entire day to sort out the elevator wall stuff
it isn't even that important
the wall is behind you when you start the level, it's just there in case the player turns around
plus, this isn't even really supposed to be a playable level
its just the scenery for a cinematic and its only part of the fly-through at the very end

either way i need to go to sleep
my mind is racing
i can't make it stop
hate leaving some sort of process right in the middle, without at least figuring out what im going to do about it
ill sort it out later
wish i could get away with thinking that
i wish it was that easy

Sep. 26th, 2014

motionless respite

i have to either go to school tomorrow or go to the next stupid presentation
ive gone to these things before, i don't know what my problem is
i can't even go to a normal class anymore
i've built up some kind of momentum that is perpetuating my failure
i can't do it
i'm imagining going to midterms and finals, which i have no choice but to do
but it seems completely impossible
presidents and officials and lectures, oh my

Jul. 4th, 2014

i am alive

the fourth of july...
the fourth of a lie is more like it
all the racket
all the noise
the symbolism of inherent death and destruction
the loss and devastation once felt nationwide
all of the souls that have perished
all of the spirits who've washed away

vanished in the night like a sheep among wolves

yet, here
before us in this very place
there sleeps an essence
cold and motionless from the spite
somber thoughts stolen in blankets of white
lost and bedraggled, corrupt from the flight
tiny wings mangled and erupted from its sides
perched atop a cliff, peering over the ledge
evidence absolved
a harsh wind tickles the nose
like a gift from the silence, it screams
a grit of sand clenched between tiny sharpened teeth

all innocence revolves
nothing is solved
time takes the tears
bled dry from our fear

Jul. 2nd, 2014

(no subject)

felt like an unproductive day

finished modeling the hero weapon and took my time uv'ing it, i guess
it doesn't look like i put any work into it, kinda looks like auto-map + layout
however, i took care to separate all 90 degree angles with hard edges and to pad these edges in the uv map by several pixels
still, i know i will have to make changes to the lo-poly to make things bake correctly
probably have to use some projection cages
do every piece separately

idk what i need for portfolio class tomorrow
probably because i skipped the first one
i have all my game art stuff
hopefully that is good enough
with any luck i will just be working on my thesis during class
will probably have to undergo some sort of lecture

here's to everything possibly not being terrible
though in all likelihood effectively so

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